Fantasy Football Week In Review: Week 5
Court rules in favor of Thunderlips!
In an incredible case of jurisprudence, the court on the football field found in favor of the defense and slapped down the Malicious Prosecution attempts by Coach Burt. The Gore-y results left us wanting Moore as the Express’ Rivers overflowed with points. Tu caught up with Dman for an interview.
Tu: {grumble} Another solid win coach.
Dman: Yes! The Express scored the most points yet and things are looking really good for grabbing Thomas in the late rounds.
Tu: Yes, yes! Can we get by the self aggrandizement and talk about the issues?
Dman: Issues? What issues?
Tu: There are rumors that a fat, stuffed bear is sniffing in the honey pot of your players.
Dman: Pooh on that rumor! It would take a top running back like… oh pulling one out of the hat… Ray Rice for me to consider that kind of trade.
Tu: But Green is still under performing each week.
Dman: It will come together and Green will dominate.
Tu: You may be riding that Green lawn into the dust bowl outside the playoffs coach…
Freak and Peak of the Week
The Levellers found a very un-Level playing field as they were threatened with Cutlery and Packed in a Jeffery’s tube. Acme stock was at an all time high, but they left the Action Jackson figure Packed away on the bench and could not break the 200’s, but earned the Peak of the Week. Even with points on the bench Coach Bill was Levelled with a 98 point loss and the Freak of the Week.
Reek and Squeak of the Week
Even with Charles in Charge the Sandcastle was kicked over Nine, no Ten, no Eleven times. Because Romo said No-Mo’! and almost single handedly pulled off the every first win for Coach Chris. The Coach, using an under used strategy again played only seven players, with another Rocking the Donut again, yet this time they lulled their opponent to sleep and were able to storm the Sandcastle for the win. Congrats on this unique strategy. Let’s check with the Week in Review Expert for better understanding of this new strategy. Expert, “It is normally better to play with a full nine people on your team, but when one scores enough for three players, you could win.” Deep, very deep.
Bleak of the Week
After such a strong start, the Scorned Intangibles are losing whatever ghost of a chance they had for making the playoffs. This is the second time they have barely Marshalled any points and scored the lowest points in the league. Tu caught up to Coach Jaybird after this dismal game.
Tu: This makes three loses in a row coach. What is going wrong?
Jaybird: I went wrong.
Tu: Say again?
Jaybird: I was the one who went wrong. Tebow? I traded him.
Tu: I beg your pardon?
Jaybird: My tight end had a bye. I asked Tebow if he’d be my tight end and he said that he was a QB. So I traded him.
Tu: And you think that getting rid of a player that didn’t score you any points, at all, like, not even one so far this year is the reason that you’ve lost three in a row?
Jaybird: Well, I traded back for him.
Tu: I’ve noticed that I’ve spent most of my questions asking you to repeat yourself and found myself almost asking you to do it again.
Jaybird: Now that Tebow is back, he’s back as Team Captain and I look forward to another “W”.
Tu: {Sputter} That’s it! Get me out of here!
The Oracle Update:
Holy cow! The Oracle lost two this week. Nine, Ten, Eleven pulled off and incredible upset to get the single digit (the middle one) that wins a game, while the Tryhards did not try that hard to win and will now need to bear the cross of being given the nickname, Rocking the Donut.
The Tryhards: 9W – -1L aka: Rocking the Donut
Acme Packers: 5W – 3L
WhoWouldJesusDraft?: 1W – 7L
Team Pooh Bear: 8W – 0L aka: The Anointed Ones
Partisan Warrior’s: 6W – 3L – -1T
Brian’s Best Team: 6W – 2L
Reba Demartino: 3W – 5L aka: Gin-soaked Dreamers
DownSouth Dragons: 4W – 4L
The Uninitiated: 7W – 1L
MaliciousProsecutors: 2W – 6L
Merciless Monsters: 4W – 4L
Scorned Intangibles: 3W – 5L
Thunderlips Express: 2W – 6L
The Levellers: 5W – 4L – -1T
Team Sandcastle: 1W – 7L
The Nine Ten Eleven: -1W – 9L aka: Flipping the Bird
I playedthis year because I wanted to learn more about FF. I learned that I suck, and some orher stuff. I’m ok with that.Report
Don’t give up hope! I had the worst team last year and only barely managed to make the playoffs… but, whadya know, my players all decided to have AWESOME WEEKS the next month and I came in second.
The point is: you’ve still got a lot of points in there. You’ve still got a lot of games to win.
DON’T GIVE UP HOPE.
(If, however, you’d like to give up hope, I’m sure that I’d like to trade with you for a handful of your wide receivers.)Report
No dumping!
And don’t give up hope, Ms. Mary. Things looked bleak for me last year for a while, too, but I wound up with a respectable showing as well. Your team has as much a chance to make a big run as anyone’s.Report
Agree with Burt.
But I’d also add: don’t start Manning now that Rogers is off his bye week. That ones for free.Report
Thank you, gentlemen. I think I’ll take your advice, Tod. I look forward to using it against you in Week 9.Report
As soon as Franklin fumbled I knew it was over for him for the day. I was looking for a couple of extra points to break 200. If I could have pulled them off the bench where I left them I would have.
I would like to express my heartfelt condolences to AP today.Report
Obviously a terrible, terrible thing and we all offer our condolences. No parent should ever have to bury his child.
Cynically, there is wonder if the tragedy will inspire an awesome performance, in the vein of Brett Favre’s awesome game against the Raiders after his father passed. Favre was inspired, to be sure, and he was playing a Raiders defensive unit that left a lot to be desired. Carolina shows signs of being similarly weak.Report
Tu: I’ve noticed that I’ve spent most of my questions asking you to repeat yourself and found myself almost asking you to do it again.
I see what you did there.Report
It’s bad enough to lose by one. It’s even worse to lose by one to a team that didn’t even field a full complement of players. Thanks Obama! (no politics)Report
I don’t know where the hell the oracle is getting its information, but at this point I’d sell my soul for the 5 wins projected. Man, this season has been frustrating!Report