Stupid Tuesday questions, zesty lemon edition

Rarely do I find myself as tickled when checking out at the grocery store as I was last night.

It is a common task of mine to be dispatched to the store on my way home from work to pick up needed items.  With the Swarm at its full complement, our Needed Item quotient has expanded notably.  And so last night I went to get a few.

As I was entering my PIN number (trusting soul that I am, I still believe it relatively safe to pay for things electronically) I looked down at the little flat surface there at the counter provided for people to write out checks and such. And there I saw the statement of regret.

It seems that a product called “Vermont Zesty Lemon Cookie Buttons” had been recalled.  (I assume it must be these?)  Because of this recall, the store was sad to inform customers that they were not available for purchase at that time.  The store regrets any inconvenience customers wishing to purchase said zesty lemon cookie buttons may have experienced due to said lack.

It was “inconvenience” that I found so charming.

I love the idea that a person deprived of zesty lemon cookie buttons (from Vermont or otherwise) would be “inconvenienced.” Not disappointed, annoyed or sad.  Not bereft or hungry.  No.

“Inconvenienced.”

As I drove home, I tried to concoct a scenario in which a person could be reasonably described as inconvenienced by a lack of a zesty lemon cookie button.  I came up with a story about a gas station run by a man who operates it exclusively under the barter system.  However, what he will accept in exchange for gas is very specific and varies with his mood.  Today he has an exceptional craving for zesty lemon cookie buttons, and will accept only them.  Gas purchasers who lack zesty lemon cookie buttons must drive to a farther service station to pay for their petrol with cash.

So this week’s Question (which is exceptionally stupid, even by my usual standards) is: what scenario can you devise that would involve a person inconvenienced by the lack of zesty lemon cookie buttons?  And because I obviously find the phrase “zesty lemon cookie buttons” utterly delightful, feel free to make this an open thread about anything that happens to occur to you in relation thereto.

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30 thoughts on “Stupid Tuesday questions, zesty lemon edition

  1. I believe I speak from experience when I say that the said inconvenience can happen to a four year old hosting a tea party.

    Of course, perhaps “trauma” is the more appropriate word.

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  2. A person is stranded on a ship and their only source of citrus/Vitamin C is a container of recalled zesty lemon cookie buttons.

    Scurvy, it ain’t pretty.

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  3. Imagine Popeye. However, instead of Earth-1 Popeye’s strength inspired by spinach, imagine a Popeye who gained great strength when eating zesty lemon cookie buttons.

    Bluto: Oh yeah? Well, I’m abducting Olive Oyl!
    Olive Oyl: Help! Popeye!
    Popeye: Olives!
    (reaches for zesty lemon cookie buttons at grocery store, sees they’ve been recalled)
    Popeye: Blow me down!
    (Pulls out firearm)

    From this point, I’d say that the description of Earth-2’s cartoon would no longer be appropriate for a family webpage.

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  4. Okay, I like everyone’s jokes about zesty lemon cookie buttons, and it does seem that experience zesty lemon cookie buttons inconvenience when you normal provider of zesty lemon cookie buttons has no zesty lemon cookie buttons on offer to satisfy your need for zesty lemon cookie buttons, but I can think of a situation in which a lack of zesty lemon cookie buttons could in fact result in just such an inconvenience:

    If you were deciding where you would be picking up your groceries, and you decided to go to the out-of-the-way store because they sell zesty lemon cookie buttons and you really wanted to buy zesty lemon cookie buttons, but then it turns out that they don’t have zesty lemon cookie buttons to satisfy your zesty lemon cookie buttons desire, then, yes, that could be considered an inconvenience. (And a further inconvenience could result if that store had higher prices, which normally you would be willing to pay in order to get your zesty lemon cookie buttons fix… but alas, no zesty lemon cookie buttons.)

    Other than that, I think nailed it.

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    • I was going to give Jonathan’s answer. Hell, it happened to us this weekend, though not with zesty lemon cookie buttons. We called Home Depot and asked if they had Pride of Barbados (1) in yet. The woman who answered said yes, so we took a bus to Home Depot (about a 20 minute ride) only to find out that no, they won’t get them in for a couple more weeks. We found the woman who had told us they had them, and she said, “Oh, I heard someone talking about them yesterday.” So we took a bus home empty handed, wasting almost two precious Saturday hours. That is inconvenience.

      (1) Every time someone mentions the name of these flowers, I want say “You mean Rihanna?” It was funny the first time, like 5 years ago, but I still want to say it.

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  5. Based on the outstanding reviews, I ordered Zesty Lemon Cookie Buttons, 32 oz., Twin Pack by General Mills and they were shipped within days. Upon receiving them I quickly tore thru the protective packaging – two boxes (an outer and an inner) the inner box lined with bubble wrap. Once in hand, my gaze, and not a little drool, fell upon the wrapper separating me from my Zesty Lemon Cookie Buttons, 32 oz. Twin Pack. But what did I see? The Button Cookies were not Lemon. And when I tried one, they most certainly were not Zesty.

    The Cookies were not bad, but they are not as advertised. Now I have to send back my partially consumed Zesty Lemon Cookie Buttons, 32 oz., Twin Pack for a refund. It’s Not worth the inconvenience!

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  6. “An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.” – Mitch Hedberg

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  7. Our foreign executives were out visiting the office and I was tasked with showing them around to impress them. The centerpiece of the event was to be the consumption of Vermont Zesty Lemon Cookie Buttons. You can imagine my embarrassment when the boss asked about the famed cookies and I had to tell him that there were none. Inconvenience indeed. I don’t know if my career will ever recover.

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  8. I may yet come up with a tale of inconvenience, but this is not one. What it is, is what this story reminded me of.

    Some years ago, a message board I frequented developed a long-running thread about regionally specific snack foods, with people from around the world talking up their favourites, offering data points as to which of other people’s favourites were in fact available in other countries, or bemoaning the ones they missed as expats. Eventually there was a consensus to have a sort of secret-Santa exchange of regional junk food. A selected referee collected and distributed mailing addresses. I ended up spending almost $50 on postage to send maybe $20 worth of candy around the world, and got some nice care packages. I remember I sent some to England, and received a package from New Zealand.

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  9. Man, this is the worst it’s ever been. Prunes don’t help, and neither do dried apricots, or even a cup of vegetable oil. The only thing that really works is eating a couple handfuls of Zesty Lemon Cookie Buttons.

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  10. Now how am I supposed to finish my calorimetric analysis of common snack foods? I’ve been calibrating my equipment every morning with a sample of Vermont Zestly Lemon Cookie Buttons.

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  11. I stopped by the store to get some Vermont Zestly Lemon Cookie Buttons, and when they didn’t have any I decided I didn’t want anything and left.

    I wandered the city aimlessly for days, unsure of what to do next in a world without Vermont Zestly Lemon Cookie Buttons. As the hunger began to rage in my belly, I became more an more disoriented. The lack of nourishment began to affect my thinking, and over time I entered a state that could only described as feral. Eventually my hunger and animalistic urges took control, and I was forced to survive the only way I knew how: devouring the man flesh of skid row’s homeless.

    The newspaper headlines were sensational and the public demanded justice. The police came after me in waves, as I hid in the hallways of one tenement hall after the other. Finally, a kindly priest took me in and fed me proper food and tended to my shattered soul. Somehow, I found my way back to sanity, and realized I was late for work. And so I got in my car and rushed to continue my old life, free from the chains I had built with my own mind. But then when I was pulling into my work’s parking lot it hit me:

    Crap, when I found out there were no more Vermont Zestly Lemon Cookie Buttons, I’d been so distraught I’d left my sunglasses at the store! So I had to turn around and drive all the way back to get them, which was really inconvenient.

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  12. I would be sorely inconvenienced by a lack of Zesty Lemon Cookies if I were in the middle of making a ginormous gingerbread house, and now couldn’t complete the roof.

    Because really, Nilla wafers are SO passé.

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