Stupid Tuesday questions, Anne Boleyn edition

The list of people cooler than me is vast and ever-expanding. I long ago cashed in my chips on any claim to coolness, and have tried to hold steady in the “only moderately lame” category. Any attempts to establish coolness on my part have been ineffective at best and downright laughable most of the time.

High atop the mountain of people cooler than me is perched Emma Stone. For heaven’s sake, the woman has a tattoo on her wrist designed by Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney. If I happened to have a small number of reasonably-sized tattoos in discreet locations, I would be forced to admit that none of them were designed by former members of the Beatles. Indeed, they weren’t even designed by former members of Sha Na Na or Semisonic. No, they were chosen at random from the offerings at the tattoo parlors in a series of decisions that seemed good at the time, and which (in hindsight) were taken on faith to mean the things the people at the tattoo parlors said they meant.

If I had any tattoos, that is.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Emma Stone.

Not only is she cool enough to get Paul McCartney to design a tattoo for her (because, let’s just be honest, even if I’d asked I probably would not have had much luck on that front), she is also impossibly charming and beautiful and talented. Emma Stone’s coolness >>>>…..> mine.

And then there’s this:

Right next to “get Paul McCartney to design a tattoo for you” on the list of things I will almost certainly never be cool enough to accomplish is “get invited to wage a lip sync battle with Jimmy Fallon.” And even if I did, there is no way I could ever hope to match her epic win. While I could totally have gone toe to toe with her on “Hook” (which the Better Half can verify after I made him watch me sing the verse in question from memory), there is no competing with her version of “All I Do is Win.” Because that legitimately seems like all she is capable of doing.

But what if? What if I somehow got asked for reasons I cannot even begin to fathom? What then? What songs would I choose?

I thought about it long and hard, and have made my decisions.

First:

Let’s be clear — I would not choose that song because I have any particular affection for it. Quite the opposite, actually. But (curse you, 90s radio!) because I heard that song so damn much back in the day I know all the words, and because the singer’s over the top performance would lend itself to the kind of theatrics required by a lip sync contest, it would be my opener.

For anyone who attended a dance I went to from high school through medical school (and I think there’s at least one of you out there reading who did), the next answer will be obvious.

(How to discuss this without seeming super gay? How to discuss this without seeming super gay?

There is no way to discuss this without seeming super gay.)

So, yeah. I used to kind of have this little routine I would do at dances, such that pretty much everyone who ever went to one I went to has now permanently associated me with the song in their brains. I finally retired it many years ago, but… yeah. I used to kind of have this little routine I would do at dances.

Thus, as cliche (and totally super gay) (which you can cram sideways, Kathy) as it is, I have no choice but to choose:

For good or ill, I would totally rock “Vogue.”

So that’s this week’s Question (thanks for the idea, Mr. Cupp) — what would your two songs be? What would you bring to match Jimmy Fallon?

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62 thoughts on “Stupid Tuesday questions, Anne Boleyn edition

      • Hello there doc Russell Saunders ! You are not an easy person to track down , & I’m not sure at this point that you will even see this. As a grumpy old pediatrician myself, I have been reading your ” are anti-vaxers as crazy/stupid/dangerous/certifiable as they seem to be ” to which my answer is ” hoo boy, are they ever “!
        I’ve been laboring in the underpaid trenches of general pediatrics in Connecticut roughly since god was a teenager, & have seen a good number of the diseases that you ( in vain I suspect given the rise in the loon index ) have not seen & hope you never do.
        Where to begin ? Two cases of epiglottis due to H. influenza type “B” . Luckily, being older than dirt it wasn’t hard to figure out. The second case got pretty hairy when it turned out that both ENT’s were out of town . The supposed on call guy was in Hartford at the symphony. The on call gas passer was dragged in & managed to incubate the baby , while having an attack of hysteria at the same time.

        Three cases of tetanus, all fatal. The scariest was a mother from central America who had never been immunized & her newborn baby who developed tetanus from the base of the cord. In spite of an attempt to control things by wide excision of the cord, the baby died at 12 days. The third was y our run of the mill unvaccinated 22 year old. Horrible deaths BTW.

        A 20 year old unvaccinated female who was admitted to an open ward by her internist, who had never seen measles & thought she had mono. He put her on IV steroids (‘only about four days, not long enough to suppress her immune system ) , at which time she died. She did have enough time to infect roughly 8 children on the ward. I saw two of them in my office , the first one being from across the room as I walked in as an ” oh shit ” Dx. One of the younger peds called me over to his office to look at one of his patients & decide if this was a case of measles, which he had never seen , & which it was. These days the young ones will have a higher chance of seeing measles, 2 cases in the state so far this year.

        I could go on, got lots more stuff, but the general conclusion is, yes , I have several of these nuts, one just stupid , one “god will protect me ” & one of the type that my daughter calls ” crunchies ” . These are the ones that are convinced that since they eat only organic foods, exersize properly & often, take a zillion vitamins and supplements, avoid contact with icky poor people who carry all these nasty diseases & don’t always have clean clothes, that they can’t possibly get anything bad. They are ” special ” .They become righteously indignant when I point out the assorted bugs & viruses out there don’t give a rats a*8 how special they are. These are the ones I would like to take out behind my office, shoot them, & bury them in an unmarked grave.

        I do truly hope you see this rather long rant . If interested, my email is david.schoon at snet.net ( for some unknown reason my machine is refusing to accept the “at” abbreviation, so you would have to put it in without the spaces as usual ) if you are like me & have way too much to do & not enough time to do it, my ego isn’t that big , & I had the chance to burn off some adrenaline just writing this.

        D schoon

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    • Queen is a great choice.

      I believe during our Oscars post, we had an exchange wherein I mentioned that Zazzy said I look like Paul Rudd and you said I should take it as a compliment. You undersold that, didn’t you?

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      • So… um. You know the concept of certain “lists,” about which I decline to elaborate and about which I decided at one point an STQ would be unseemly?

        Were I to compose such a list, Mr. Rudd would be right at the tippy-top.

        And I am entirely convinced there is a horribly disfigured portrait of him decaying ghoulishly in an attic somewhere.

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  1. You think. I know. My only qualm is that she’s not old enough to remember “Hook.”

    Also, “Gin & Juice” would definitely be one of mine. I’ll have to ponder the second.

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  2. First off, I am going to disagree — quite strongly — with you. Emma Stone just seems weird to me. Trying too hard. And that constantly perturbed look she has on her face is off putting. More importantly, I struggle to see how lip syncing is cool. What actual talent does it require? At least karaoke. I didn’t get all the fuss about that video. I could do that. Hell, I have done that. I even won a medal for it — bringing home the gold medal prize at an air guitar contest a few years back. And even there we held prop guitars so we weren’t completely empty handed (Tod can vouch for this; he met me shortly after I won and I still had the medal on; I’ll try to dig up the video).

    As for what songs I’d pick, first would have to be Kid Rock’s Bawitdabaw. So much energy behind that song, I could really get into it and do my thing (provided you give me the whole stage to work with; if I had to stand at the mic stand, that’d be a real detriment to the pageantry). Second would probably be Total Eclipse of the Heart.

    Also, let’s see if this works for video: https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hvideo-ash2/v/t43.1792-2/1132346_10100592876083387_29791_n.mp4?oh=7fce90853930414adaafe787cb14ff06&oe=53692DBB

    Mind you, this was just the opening round, when I squared off against other crowd members. Upon winning that round, I had to defeat a time traveling guitar god. I did so by taking off my shirt, playing HIS guitar, and raging out in the crowd.

    Ladies and gentlemen, possibly your child’s PreK teacher!

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    • I haven’t had a chance to watch the video, but promise I will do so later.

      I may disagree with you about the appeals of Ms. Stone more than I disagree about the appeals of basketball. Fascinating. But since I am for reals totally super gay, who am I to tell you what’s attractive in such matters?

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      • It’s not just the attractiveness. Her whole persona just strikes me as annoying. I venture to guess she’d be the girl at the party that everyone kept elbowing me about while saying, “Isn’t she so cool?” and I’d just be thinking, “She’s kind of annoying.”

        She’s not bad looking, though certainly looks better some times than others. During that clip, she is unattractively skinny. Her hair is similar to Zazzy’s, which is a feather in her cap.

        The confluence of strange faces and seeming annoyingness make her unattractive to me. But what do I know? I’m just some schlub who may or may not resemble a bearded Paul Rudd.

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  3. Heh.

    I was thinking through what songs I would do and I said to myself, “Well, either Submission by the Sex Pistols or Venus in Furs.”

    Then I thought to myself, “Good grief, Veronica, you need to get out on a date or something.”

    (In reality I’d end up doing something from Hedwig. Yeah, I know, predictable.)

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  4. Since you mentioned “Vogue,” Doc, I’m gonna ask a for-reals question: why did neither Erasure nor Yaz ever cover “La Isla Bonita?” Didn’t anyone realize how perfect that would be?

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  5. I don’t have an answer to your question, but I am amused by the apparent amount of overlap in the hypothetical lists we might theoretically compose.

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  6. Russell: “and which (in hindsight) were taken on faith to mean the things the people at the tattoo parlors said they meant.”

    ‘on faith’ is a new spelling of ‘in a state of extreme intoxication’ :)

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    • In the off chance that I have a small number of reasonably-sized tattoos in discreet locations, a consistent feature of their acquisition might happen to be that I was sober as a nun when I got all of them. In fact, the place where I might possibly have gotten more than one of them had an explicit policy against tattooing anyone noticeably intoxicated.

      Y’know, if I happened to have any tattoos.

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  7. This one’s a toughie. I think I’d go with these:

    One Week by Barenaked Ladies, because it has the lyrical speed of End of The Word As You Know IT without the receptive cadence.

    Feeling Good by Michael Buble, because after showing off my speed-chops I’d want to show I could do careful phrasing and facial expressions.

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  8. So I think she chose two hard-to-lip-sync songs, but she chose two hard-to-lip-sync songs that are hard in the same way, so I don’t give her as much credit as I would have if she had done, say, “Hook” *or* “All I Do Is Win” and… something… that required her to act up belting something out.

    So many choices.

    Given the venue, I’d be really hard pressed not to do King Missile’s “Martin Scoresese” or Rage Against the Machine’s “Killing in the Name” or something like that, just to be lip syncing stuff that was being bleeped out, because that would be hilarious. For the second song, I’d want to do a good ham up job of “The Boys in the Backroom” or “Respect”.

    “More importantly, I struggle to see how lip syncing is cool.

    You’re voted off the island.

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  9. My friend contends the answer is “Semi Charmed Life” — though that might be more “Got invited up on stage to sing with a cover band: what song do you pick?” He contends that everyone at least knows the “Doot-doot-doot” part so the whole crowd can get involved.

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  10. I immediately jumped to songs that would be ridiculous for a 40 something woman to sing X-Ray Spex Oh Bondage Up Yours (since I did it 30+ years ago for a lip sync contest) and Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax but for Russell I would do Sex Dwarf.

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