Fantasy Football: Week 6 (and Football Season open thread)

(This is another guest post from Dman!)

Week in Review: Week 6

Thunderlips Unhorses Uffington’s Men!!!!!

Thunderlips tried Manning up after both of his other QBs were out this week, yet baby Manning did no better than old man Manning. Still, Dman Marshalled the win by riding his Broncos and Fostering his grudge against coach Bill. For the Horsemen even having seven players score above their projections was not enough to trample the Express under. Tu found Dman after the win.

Tu: Greetings coach, I have something for you. {hands some papers to coach Dman}
Dman: Uh hi, er, what are these?
Tu: I ask the questions, coach. So, are you concerned about the lawsuit the players union has levelled against you?
Dman: Wait… {Rips open the papers} what the… How the…. Why the……
Tu: I’ll answer that. The players union has issued a cease and desist to you picking up players over the waiver wire, since you keep getting them injured. This week was Chris Thompson with a bruised back.
Dman: They can’t do that! I have every right to create the best team I can!
Tu: Tell that to the judge.

Freak and Meek of the Week

Miss Mary’s Men manhandled the mighty ProdigalAccipitridae with the Holy Cow trinity of Ryan, Allen, and Olsen. Coach Jaybird was favored to win yet meekly rolled over with Who the Bell tolls and a Lynching party for old man Johnson. They all scored below their projections and sank their team. Tu was able to talk with coach Jaybird this week.

Tu: Hi coach. I was finally able to track you down again. Tough loss.
Jaybird: I admit to being surprised by the wins while being overseas. I had thought that my team needed my firm but gentle hand guiding them to victory.
Tu: They did pretty well while you were gone.
Jaybird: Relative to the other teams, anyway. I’m going to blame my loss on Miss Mary again. She’s steamrollering over everybody.
Tu: She’s got a good record. The second best one… but not the best one.
Jaybird: Who has the best one?
Tu: The Thunderlips guy.
Jaybird: Oh, him. Yeah. Well, he does this by injuring the heck out of his team.
Tu: I understand that there is going to be an effort to clean that part of his dirty plays up.
Jaybird: We should keep tabs on that.

Streak (ha!) of the Week

The Warriors tried to add new blood to stifle the constant Partisan bickering that has lead to so many losses this season. Yet the addition of Woodhead and Garcon did not stop the gridlock of the team. Again four scored higher than projections, but five scored lower so the team averaged out to meet their projection and they were projected to lose. Coach Burt missed his team’s projections, but still had enough to win his third in a row. Tu Found Coach Burt by a strange fire.

Tu: Nice win, coach. Care to comment —
Burt: SPEAK UP! I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF ALL THESE OUIJA BOARDS BURNING!
Tu: It only looks like about six Ouija boards in there, coach.
Burt: Nine. We got nine, and look at ’em burn! So pretty, the flames!
Tu: Coach, it’s almost a shame to call a point total like that the “weak of the week.” Tough competition ahead?
Burt: Uffington’s a good team. Brady. Gronk. Gotta respect that. They cheat, they get away with it. Then they run up the score. It’s fantasy gold, so we’ve gotta prepare to keep our THREE GAME WINNING STREAK going!
Tu: And your recent roster moves?
Burt: I’ve got no use for a kicker what gets one point in a game, he’s been cut.
Tu: And the quarterback situation?
Burt: What quarterback situation? We’ve got The Best Quarterback On The Planet ™ and playing Carson Palmer on Aaron’s bye week isn’t exactly a massive step down.
Tu: Well, there you have it.
Burt: By the way, who’s signing your paychecks now that we’re having this little marshmallow roast, Mr. Ouija Reporter?
Tu: You’ve got me all wrong, coach. See you next week. What is that Cecil the Ouija Board in there!

The Week in Review would like to note that they have not confirmed the Cecil the Ouija Board was one of the boards burned by Coach Burt. We will keep all readers informed once we have checked the preserve case that held Cecil.

Squeak of the Week

The Vikings continued Manning the ship with the lowest scoring QB on the roster. The Week in Review is starting to think Coach Team Johnson has a contract dispute going on with Andy Dalton which has him cooling his heels on the bench instead of putting wind in the team’s sails. Yet coach Timothy is happy that the Vikings sails were Deflated, since it Inflated Undeflatermaus’ win. All it would have taken was Dalton, Brown or any non-bye tight end to have ruined coach Timothy’s day.

The Ouija Board

The first miss for the Ouija Board moves closer as The Return of the Left Shark win their third game in a row. Also the Week in Review cannot find Cecil the Ouija Board, but we will not give up looking for it.

Thunderlips Express: 6 – 2 aka: The Anointed Ones
ProdigalAccipitridae: 7 – 1
Minnesota Vikings: 4 – 3- 1
Miss Mary’s Men: 3- 5
Partisan Warriors: 5 – 1 – 2
Undeflatermaus: 4 – 4
Uffington Horsemen: 2 – 6
Return of Left Shark: 0- 8 -0

(Photo is “Rock Dennis tackles Taylor Wardlow” by John McStravick. Used under a Creative Commons License.)


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Jaybird is Birdmojo on Xbox Live and Jaybirdmojo on Playstation's network. He's been playing consoles since the Atari 2600 and it was Zork that taught him how to touch-type. If you've got a song for Wednesday, a commercial for Saturday, a recommendation for Tuesday, an essay for Monday, or, heck, just a handful a questions, fire off an email to AskJaybird-at-gmail.com

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2 thoughts on “Fantasy Football: Week 6 (and Football Season open thread)

  1. FTR, I was informed that the Ouija board fire was perfectly legal under the laws of the relevant jurisdiction, and that all of the Ouija boards used in it had been previously discarded or offered up for use by their legitimate private owners.

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