*Daredevil and Elektra hop out of the darkness after having just fought a whole bunch of ninjas. They land next to a huge hole in the ground.*
“If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that this giant hole in the ground – inexplicably dug by our enemies, thousands of feet deep, hidden somehow in the middle one of Earth’s largest cities – was evidence of something very, very serious,” says Daredevil. “I am but a mortal man and you Elektra are but a mortal woman. This is beyond our capabilities.”
“We should call The Avengers,” says Elektra. “Even if they only sent one of their flunkies to check things out, it would still represent far more ability than we possess between us. After all, our opponents here are capable not only of digging very deep holes, but of resurrecting the dead, an up-to-now unknown achievement in all of human history. We are dealing with a challenge we cannot handle.”
“Okay, yes, but, counterpoint – what if we didn’t call The Avengers? Even though we know about them? Like, even though it was only a few years ago that they literally leveled half of the city fighting alien dudes pouring out of a giant hole in the sky, what if we instead assumed that they wouldn’t be interested in Hell’s Kitchen – have I mentioned that we’re in Hell’s Kitchen, which is the neighborhood I grew up in which is in Manhattan and which hasn’t been gentrified for some reason, which, weird, but anyway – because we’re just a tiny place in the great big world?” says Daredevil.
“Okay, well, we’re not in a tiny place. Hell’s Kitchen is part of a greater whole. It’s frankly ridiculous that you continue to act as though nobody is paying any attention to this place when literally everybody everywhere seems to focus nonstop on what’s happening in Hell’s Kitchen.” says Elektra. “Anyway, surely we should at least try to call them? At least a phone call? Or maybe an email? Do they have a hotline? I bet they do. What’s Hawkeye doing when he’s not being lame? Probably answering phones.”
“But it’s just us, down here in Hell’s Kitchen. Why would the Avengers care about us down here?” Says Daredevil. “Down here in this dusty, forgotten, ignored, unwanted, undesired, barely understood neighborhood?”
“The same dusty, forgotten, ignored, unwanted, undesired, barely understood neighborhood that literally everybody involved in our story has literally being doing everything to control while literally entire news outlets seem to dedicate all of their coverage to us?” says Elektra.
“Yes, that one,” says Daredevil.
“Well, for starters, we’ve been in the news, a lot, somehow. I don’t know why they’re not covering The Avengers constantly, but we keep making the news. Why, just recently, you took down The Kingpin, a criminal mastermind who was involved in a prolonged gun battle that was aired on live television and involved multiple officers dying. That was big news!” says Elektra.
“Okay, but everybody’s probably forgotten about that.” says Daredevil.
“That was like two weeks ago! And, fine, whatever, not that. What about everybody was talking about The Devil Of Hell’s Kitchen? Kinda weird that nobody else has figured out Daredevil, but they’ll get it, I’m sure. Tabloid writers are famous for choosing monikers that are much longer than they are shorter. That’s what they’re paid to do. Write good the language, that’s what tabloid writers do. But anyway, the nonstop focus on you means The Avengers probably have heard of a neighborhood smack dab in the middle of Manhattan. They’d at least hear us out on solving this enormous hole in the ground dug by ninjas who resurrect the dead!” says Elektra.
“They won’t care about that.” says the Daredevil.
“Yeah, but then there’s The Punisher! He has been linked to 37 murders publicly, plus what we know he has been doing behind the scenes. 37 murders! He was just involved in the trial of the century too! And you defended the Punisher sort of, even though you were mostly running around with me doing this, leaving your impossibly annoying friend Foggy to defend The Punisher, but he did a good job, and everybody was watching.”
“He’s not annoying!” says the Daredevil. “Okay, he only kind of annoying. Stop changing the subject.”
“Can I just interject that nobody knew the lawyer defending The Punisher was doubling-up as Daredevil, mostly because everybody assumes you couldn’t possible be the Devil Of Hell’s Kitchen – a name everybody knows because your hijinks are constantly receiving press attention – because you’re blind,” says Elektra, making airquotes around blind. “Did you see what I did there? With the airquotes? Oh, right. Well, I was making airquotes.”
“I heard them.”
“Yes Elektra. I’m blind, not deaf. I can detect literally anything somehow and if you have any questions about these powers of mine work, just maybe go along with it and don’t ask questions. Oh, and I can survive basically anything too! And so can The Punisher! I hit him in the face with a heavy pipe wrench and he just shrugged it off, which was weird, because he’s just a human guy with guns, like his entire power is just routinely going to a gun convention, but for some reason, a pipe wrench to the face barely even slowed him down, but I’ve learned not to ask questions, because of what I can survive. Like getting shot through the shoulder with an arrow from four feet away, and I was also almost shot in the head, and almost night after night after night of hallways fights – you wouldn’t believe how many people want to fight me in hallways, because it is almost everyone, all of the time, like, my phone rings, and I’m like, ‘Hello?’ and somebody’s like, ‘Hey, come fight me in this hallway. I’ll even unscrew some of the lightbulbs if you want, even though it’s 2016 and not 1958 and we actually have wattage now, but if it’ll get you there, I’ll unscrew ‘em.’ and I’m like, ‘Cool, I’m on my way.’ and that’s what I do, all the time – and a whole bunch of other injuries, but it’s fine. I’m fine. And I can hear your airquotes.” says Daredevil.
“And that middle-finger,” says Daredevil.
“All I’m saying is that they’ll at least answer the phone, especially if they know it’s you because you’re constantly being written about, but also because you know about The Punisher, and he’s constantly being written about, and because this is a huge threat to the well-being of New York City, and according to the internet, we all share a universe with one another, and I’ve seen the trailer for Captain America: Civil War, and that doesn’t come out for awhile, so they’ve got some time to come down here and spend six hours fighting a bunch of ninjas that they’ll totally throw into orbit before going to get some street hotdogs, or whatever the after-credits sequence is going to be. Let’s just call ‘em.” says Elektra.
“Nah. Let’s just deal with this massive threat to the city ourselves.” says Daredevil. “They’re probably busy.”
“Okay, fine,” says Elektra.
*Daredevil and Elektra leap off into the darkness, searching for more ninjas*