Sunday!

It’s not how *I* would have booked it, but the Atlanta Falcons are facing off against the New England Patriots for the American Football World Title.

New England has the most hated Quarterback in the league who is teamed up with the most hated Coach in the league and even though they started the season with Tom Brady benched because of some disagreements about the pressure of the pigskins, the Patriots managed to overcome having this one hand tied behind their back and claw their way to be the number one team in the AFC. Presumably by cheating.

The last time I heard about the Atlanta Falcons was when they fought against the underdog Denver Broncos in the Superbowl when the so-called “Dirty Birds” under the tutelage of hated coach Dan Reeves fought Dan Reeves’s former protégé John Elway and, understandably, the Falcons lost. As they ought to have. Then they did the whole “Mike Vick” thing which was up there with “Katie Vick” for the worst booking in the history of the league and they disappeared into some weird storylines involving the renaming of their stadium “The Mercedes Benz Stadium”, like that’d help, and they went back to the middle of the card until this season, where they’re going the “boring babyface” route against the biggest heel in the league.

So, given that this is our title match, here’s how I’d book it:

Have the announcers lean into how evenly matched these guys are. Look at the tale from the tape and talk about how much the quarterbacks weigh and how long their arms are and that sort of thing. “Look at that defensive lineman! He’s huge!”

Focus on how anything can happen. Use the phrase “any given Sunday” and make the folks at home nod. This is part of the ritual.

Then I’d have an offensive shootout. WHAM! Touchdown. WHAM! Another touchdown. The people who said “Let’s have a ‘Big Game Party’, given that “Super Bowl” is a registered trademark of the NFL, and we’ll do shots whenever anybody gets a touchdown!”? Let’s make them have to call in “sick” tomorrow. Make people feel like the safest time to go to the bathroom is during the commercials because, seriously, anything could happen when somebody touches the ball.

And it has to be evenly matched. With turnovers even. Have this team get two touchdowns in a row, BAM BAM, because of an interception and make the folks at home say “that’s it, the game’s over” and then give the other team those touchdowns right back due to a great pass and then a great interception. BAM BAM. NO FIELD GOALS.

Then, in the 4th Quarter, on a dubious play, give it to Tom Brady.

Make the folks come back next year.

That’s how *I* would book it.

So… what are you reading and/or watching?


Staff Writer
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Jaybird is Birdmojo on Xbox Live and Jaybirdmojo on Playstation's network. He's been playing consoles since the Atari 2600 and it was Zork that taught him how to touch-type. If you've got a song for Wednesday, a commercial for Saturday, a recommendation for Tuesday, an essay for Monday, or, heck, just a handful a questions, fire off an email to AskJaybird-at-gmail.com

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30 thoughts on “Sunday!

  1. Last year, I watched Hail Ceasar instead of watching the Superbowl. I don’t know what I am going to do this year.

    Honestly, the Sports gene seems to have completely passed me by. I didn’t even know the Superbowl was today until my girlfriend (non-American) told me her friend (also non-American) said today was not a good day for Hotpot (to celebrate Chinese New Year) because it was Superbowl Sunday. Girlfriend’s friends boyfriend is American.

    I’m currently reading Moonglow by Michael Chabon.

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    • Looking at Netflix, I can tell you what you need to do this year:

      If you don’t mind Kids’ Movies, you need to check out Zootopia and, if you don’t mind getting into a series, Trollhunters (it’s from Guillermo del Toro: Nuff Said).

      Looking for something a little more mature: Have you ever watched The Twilight Zone? They’ve got all 4 Seasons. Some episodes are better than others, of course, but it’s rare to find a true stinker. Most of them are pretty good and, if you’ve never seen it, I think you’ll be surprised by how many of the episodes are familiar to you just because you’ve been swimming in the pop culture of the US.

      Holy Cow, The Third Man is on there!!! It’s Orson Welles! It’s black and white! Just watch that. Ask yourself “why don’t we make movies like that anymore?”

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        • I don’t understand why we haven’t remade it.

          I mean, it’s not *THAT* difficult to change this, change that, change this other thing and turn For A Few Dollars More into Yojimbo and then to turn Yojimbo into Last Man Standing.

          Okay, maybe that’s not the best example.

          But this is an eminently rip-offable movie.

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          • Uhhh, you’re joking right? First, it was A Fistful of Dollars, not A Few Dollars More, and second, Yojimbo came first. Please tell me you’re joking. I’m having a Poe’s Law moment.

            Your larger point is good. Spy noir such as The Third Man fits very well for our times. Perhaps it’s a little too real, though.

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          • I would say that Joseph Cotton and Orson Wells were too good in their respective roles for The Third Man to be remade. Also the Venn Diagram between people who like the Third Man and people who like remakes is not overlapping that much.

            Some movies are too iconic to be remade. Examples include: The Third Man, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Wizard of Oz, Rebecca, Shadow of a Doubt, Lawrence of Arabia, etc.

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            • Mix it up. It was more than possible to remake “Othello” as a high school movie.

              Imagine The Third Man set in a boarding school.
              Heck, imagine The Wizard of Oz set in one. “You guys. I’m just the janitor. But, here’s the point, you figured out all of these things by yourself! And the principal is dead!”

              Okay. Maybe not that last one.

              Heck, Maybe that last one. Make it as grimdark as you want. It’s 2017.

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      • They never really made that many movies like the Third Man when the Third Man was originally released. A lot of the products of the Studio System were forgettable light dramas and comedies. The reason why movies like the Third Man are even rarer today than back than is a combination of technology and economics. Its a lot easier to produce spectacle in 2016 than it was in 1946 because of CGI and the global market for movies means that the ones with the most universal appeal are going to be the ones that get the funding.

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  2. Unless there’s a personal interest, I like to root for the team that hasn’t made it yet, so Go Falcons.

    Parenthetically, I wonder if Belichick will ever humanize himself. Popovich used to seem like the same kind of jerk, but he’s shown enough kindness and warmth that now he’s more a sarcastic curmudgeon with a heart of gold.

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  3. I’m going to a friend’s place for a Super Bowl party. Like Saul, the sports gene passed me but I’m all for social watching and thing its kind of important to know what is going on and important to everybody else. Non-sports fans that showed their disdain for sports by talking about “Sports Ball” kind of pissed me off.

    My current reading material is the Mysteries of Paris by Eugene Sue.

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    • A friend of mine hosts an annual Super Bowl party (whether he wants to or not at this point) with the ostensible purpose of watching the Super Bowl, but what inevitably happens, by design more or less, is that a bunch of folks start playing Hold-em, other folks play a board game, other folks pitch horseshoes outside or play guitar hero inside, etc etc. Only a handful of folks end up watching the game.

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  4. Hah. I’m spending this afternoon doing tabletop roleplaying. My character is a twenty-something blonde woman who has four robots she controls through a headset, and armor made up of microbots that stream out all over her body and link into a form of living chain mail. She is a total nut for Star Wars and has named her robots (“droids”) Luke, Han, Obiwan and Chewy. Luke and Obiwan have lightsabers.

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  5. One thing we know about this game: the pressure on Tom’s balls will be closely monitored. The Falcon’s will try to increase it given that Brady is on record saying he prefers his balls to be under low pressure in a game situation, tho. So look for the Birds to pick off those balls and crank that pressure up.

    I got the Pats winning by 6, 34-28.

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  6. Saw Hidden Figures this afternoon. It’s good and I liked it, but it maybe one of those movies where the hype and reputation didn’t quite match my opinion of the film – but indeed, pretty narrowly. (I though the same after seeing Mad Max Fury Road)

    Perhaps one of the issues was that all the female actresses gave top notch performances, but all the male actors were kinda blah. (Kevin Costner can’t help being anything but Kevin Costner, and it’s looking like Sheldon Cooper can’t help but be Sheldon Cooper.) (Though to be fair, being Kevin Costner and Sheldon Cooper were more or less what the roles called for)

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  7. Wow.

    What are the odds of winning when two turnovers turn into 14 points? Poor.

    Also: Patriots need to stop running between tackles on first down.

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